A New Dream

I don’t think it’s unfair to say the last three months have not gone as planned for many. I know they sure haven’t for me. It’s pretty safe to say plans have been derailed worldwide.

What were your plans for this spring?

We’re all born with innate hopes and dreams. Most of us are taught to think of the future. What would you like for lunch? What do you want to ask Santa to give you for Christmas? What do you want to be when you grow up? I wanted to be a mommy. There were other aspirations that lingered about, like a marine biologist or veterinarian, but from my earliest memories, than was my primary goal. I desperately wanted a home of my own to create a love-filled, peaceful environment I desperately craved, with a husband I loved and cherished and children to adore together.

But life is not that simple. Things change. Lives change. Relationships were hard for me from the start, and almost every relationship I found myself in before my 20’s was profoundly abusive. My heart’s deepest desire of motherhood was derailed as well when I found myself battling cancer at 19, and was told upon remission it would be unlikely I’d ever conceive and carry a pregnancy to term(details HERE).

Sometimes it’s not just nature or spontaneous events that impact our dreams. People can do the same. When I was in 8th grade I dreamed of playing women’s basketball for Syracuse University in Syracuse, NY. I mentioned this to the varsity coach of my high school girl’s basketball team during a ride on the travel bus to a game one day, and she looked at all 14-year-old, 5’10”, 130 lbs of me incredulously and laughed. “Yeah, no way THAT is happening,” then turned back toward the front of the bus. Wait. What was wrong with what I said? What was wrong with ME? I hadn’t been raised to think much of myself, but basketball was something I could do well. I wasn’t extraordinarily gifted, but I was tall, naturally strong, and a VERY hard worker. I knew that even if I wasn’t naturally talented at something- ANYTHING, I could learn it and hard work would make the difference. Why was my basketball aspiration any different? I buried my dream in shame, surmising there was something I just didn’t grasp, and never mentioned it again. Never even thought it possible, because this person I looked up to as an authority on women in basketball had laughed at it and acted as if I was delusional for considering the possibility. Ultimately, I did go on to play basketball in college- a small, division 3 college that gave me a significant scholarship to play for them. Things didn’t go as planned there, either.

Disappointments may derail us, but not every change is bad. I met my husband at that college. When we married 2.5 years after we met, we found out I could, in fact, have children, and before we were even married a year I gave birth to our oldest daughter, Annaliese. No, I hadn’t played Division 1 basketball, but I was married to an incredible man, we loved each other fiercely, and we had a beautiful child. We dreamed about our future. My husband changed career goals, went back to school, and we dreamed of climbing out of the pit of poverty we’d both always lived in. We had another baby- our son Gabriel- and we dreamed of “the perfect family,” as we continued to work multiple jobs, go to school full time, and managed to just barely stay afloat. Something wasn’t right with our son, though, and that was clear from birth. Having a special needs child will teach you a million and one things about changing plans, adjusting expectations, and dreams transforming into more than two hours of sleep in a night or learning to say just one word before he’s 2.

Sometimes our own choices are our own undoing, too. Credit cards, hasty and desperate decision- so many choices we’re faced with every single day that we cannot possibly fathom the long-term ramifications of will require changes to our dreams. But that’ the beauty of today. Every single day is a new day. We are given the incredible gift of 365 Independence Days every single years- with a bonus day every 4th year! Oh friends, I deeply understand how dark, low, and stuck those trenches of despair can feel. I really, really do. But I also know the great joy in not giving up, in daring to shift focus, notice goodness, and determine to put one foot in front of the other. We cannot control most things that will happen in our lives, but what we can always control is how we respond.

Whoops. THAT didn’t go as planned.

Wow, I didn’t THAT coming.

Oh my word, how will I ever survive this?

What’s wrong with ME?!

But I was so diligent! I made spread sheets, was informed and responsible- it was a GREAT plan! WHAT HAPPENED?!

It can all be so be soul crushing, especially when we have negative voices speaking into our lives. But there is always hope. As long as we’re breathing, we can stand up, take a deep breath, and readjust our course. Where do we go from here? Be careful whom and what you allow to speak into your life. Guard your heart from the influences that would tell you that you’re less-than, there’s no hope, there’s an oppressor holding you back and you have no choice. Choose to breath in life and move forward with purpose, even when that purpose is simply to survive today. Then tomorrow, you can dream again.