The Difference Between Being Used And Being Loved

I was scrolling through my social media feed today when I saw a friend’s post that stood out to me so sharply:

I have decided that I am done doing for others! I am so tired of being stepped on, overlooked, taken advantage of, and treated so disrespectfully.

Oh my gravy, do I ever feel that. Two years ago that would have been my anthem. And yet I couldn’t stop doing for others. I truly love serving others, nurturing them, helping anyone that I can possibly help. It’s in my blood. I can’t NOT. I love deeply and give freely. Yet up until recently, so often I said exactly what my friend above said. I was done. I had been used. Repeatedly, and by seemingly good people. I was the go-to for so many simply because they knew if it was at all possible I wouldn’t say no, because my heart longs to care for people and help them. I was their yes man. So what changed? How was I able to be heal from the wounded, used, and cast-aside version of myself that could have written that very same post above? One thing. Just one. The people around me.

I once heard a very wise woman say, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” Meaning, who we surround ourselves with matters. I’ve surrounded myself with mean girls. For a period of time in my life very early on in my motherhood years, I was working multiple jobs, struggling at home, so I became friends with a lot of people online through the most unlikely of places: A cloth diapering forum. That was the hay day of message boards and online forums, and I first started going there to buy cloth diapers, look up reviews for the different styles and brands, and ask questions. I ended up developing friendships with a lot of people, some of which I am still friends with today. Others, I’m ashamed to say, I followed along with in bad behavior. Yes, my loneliness and isolation led me to joining in the ranks of online bullies. Similarly lonely and isolated moms were behind their computer screens, banding together in their hurt and escapism to pick on the weakest prey. Surely making someone else feel worse than we felt would make us feel better, right? WRONG. It didn’t take long for me to come to see that toxic place and the hateful role I often played, but I finally just couldn’t stand being ugly. Maybe I grew up? Maybe a little, but by removing myself from the group of people who behaved that way, I stopped allowing myself to be influenced by their behavior, and I stopped turning a blind eye to their bad behavior. I no longer wanted any part in it.

Fast forward a decade, and an older, wiser, more mature and emotionally healthy me(and my family) moved 800+ miles away from everyone and everything I’d ever known for a job opportunity for my husband. The one family we were connected to as remote acquaintances from childhood invited us to their church. We liked it so we stayed. That church, those people became our everything. We met so many wonderful people, but we felt the same thing over and over again: A lot of nice people with full friend banks. They were nice to our faces, but extended no relationship any further, and it stayed that way for six years. Unless, of course, they needed something you could provide. Then you were their besty. Rarely invited to birthday parties, baby showers, holiday parties, or other social gatherings they all had together, but they never hesitated to ask for help when they needed something you could do for them. There were, of course, exceptions to this rule. A very small number of precious people became truly close to us in relationship, but for six years we pounded our heads against a brick wall, serving on every team possible, always showing up when asked, happily teaching, serving, cleaning, participating, and giving to anything possible, only to come away completely empty, isolated, and alone. Unless, of course, someone needed something from me. This is not something unique to the church. I found this exact same thing at every play group, mothering circle, and community organization I tried joining. I became so burned out. I was exhausting myself by pouring everything I had into this community of people who wanted nothing to do with me unless I could tangibly improve their lives in some way. I found myself becoming angry and bitter seeing these “friends” on social media posting all their weekend activities together, knowing I’d never make it to their true “friends list”- just friend enough to give them what they wanted, but not enough to enter their minds when making their baby shower invite list or having a “moms night” out together. Finally, one Sunday morning when I had been up since 4am making breakfast for the 80 people who would be serving at the church services that day and was about to load it all up in my van to drive it in to then spend 4 hours serving and cleaning up after them all, one of my kids dared to wake up and ask for breakfast for himself. I lost it. I completely broke down in a full blown panic attack. I could not do this anymore. I’d spent so many years neglecting my own family to pour into others and came away stepped on, overlooked, and take advantaged of, and I was tired. I had nothing left. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and I was depleted in every sense of the word. So I quit. All those good things- the teaching, the serving, the giving- all of it. Because good things, wonderful things can still be the wrong things when they’re not for you to do.

That’s when we stopped banging our heads against the brick wall of a community that didn’t want us, and went hunting for a community that was truly that: a community. We almost completely abandoned that former group we’d spent 6 years begging for scraps of friendship from(those very few precious people previously mentioned being exceptions), and dug in to a new place. It’s said that community isn’t found, but rather it’s made. It’s doesn’t just happen. The problem is, we were trying to MAKE it with people who didn’t want us unless they needed us. That’s the difference between being truly seen, appreciated, and loved, versus just used. They wanted us no matter who needed what. This past year of digging in and making community with people who are open to true relationship instead of pounding on closed doors has quite literally been life-changing, and it’s been the ONLY change we’ve made. I know it’s not a simple task- GOODNESS, do I ever know- But it’s worth the effort. BE the person you want to know, and find the people who want to know YOU- all of you, and not just what they can get from you. I truly hope that every single one of you can find a place, a true community, where you can feel your life is infinitely better for having known them. It’s the place where God meant for us to truly exist. Not alone, but in community with one another, being loved and loving others like true friends who stick closer than brothers.